A Durge: Raw and Real – This is me

I see the beauty that awaits me and I’m torn with war. I am weak and raw; barely able to stand on my own. Yet my heart shines forth through my chest; strong as ever and I know the unimaginable – the unimaginable by me – the pain, the path, the never-ceasing blades embedded deep into my skin.

These have created in me a space that no one else has ever known. And I’m glad. Glad that I will be the only one in existence who has or will ever know this space. I am reed thin and bare; yet full of life. I am raw – a word I now embrace, because it means I stopped not when I was too dead to go on, but because I like what’s left of me. The good part – the part I will keep. Raw is what remains after I am reduced down to my purest form by the disdain of others. Let them keep what they so joyfully pulled from me. Let them see that what they sought to destroy — they did destroy. And the peace of me they ‘destroyed’ will not live on in they.

Paradox has new meaning. Mutual exclusivity is underscored. The joke does indeed fall flatly on they. Let them lie down in that. Let them see for themselves; the only way to truly come across understanding and meaning.

We could try, which we all did, only to see there is truly no try. Thankfully. They saw how they took not from me, but from themselves. Parasites do not take on the properties of their host. Never, not once would they know the light the way it shines in me and mine.

Raw is the part that lives on to tell the story. Raw is necessary, though so incredibly hard to come by. I shed everything, save for the light-filled wisdom which only comes about after having fought and won the worthy war on self, then winning it for all of mine as well. 

I reject cynicism and satire though both were fed freely and fully. I do not need ‘mechanisms’ to compensate or reconcile what was done to Me. ’Shortcuts’ were allowed, though I chose not to allow the imbibe, keeping the rawness full and whole of its empirical qualities. The inside of me is torn, ripped to shreds by those who hated without need of an object. Their hate of Me was a surprise, and I planned the extent of this war not realizing the sharpness of the blades, nor their eventual harm.

To buy and sell a human is slavery and travesty. This I endured for years, allowing their parasitic nature to dominate All. I leave them now, knowing they knew not their aim and they know nothing save for their blame onto Me. 

Their hate of Me is all I’ve known for years – most of my life. Does the host regain her human-ness after the parasite is terminated? I shall not know for now as it is a gradual process, lest both host and parasite perish from a sudden arrest of such a connection. 

I am human; as human as you and my heart breaks as if ironically formed from glass. It is love I need. It is love any human or product of true nature needs be it a plant, person or polar bear. As I sit here, more human, I believe than ever before and more real and raw than ever, I see what I’ve lost and I am hoping it is what I did not need. 

How is One such as me to live after losing an innocence only I could know by an enemy with whom only I could be so sadly familiar? An enemy with whom I fight one to one on a territory to which only the two of us approach? It’s the secret I shall never share. I am lonely and alone though I embrace my title and reign fully from this space wearing happiness and heaven light as air on my shoulders. And I am truth. It shan’t weigh heavy. For I have reconciled hate and put it away; for us all. Forever.

Sadness will pass as I remember while love surrounds me via family and friends.

For all that is left within me is what was inside me when I was formed – Love, just love. Perhaps that is the purpose of all difficult exercises in life’s school of lessons.

I could have never imagined that the fight would have been as painful as it has been. I was surprised at the level and intensity of their hate of Me. The countless ways and means of torturing me – from blades to theft, time after time – this was a always a surprise to me. My naive heart had not imagined that hate could surface in so many forms, be so quick to manifest and be so explosive. They needed no name or face onto which to fling their anger; a lovely light was all they would need and so came the fury, wrapped in ecstasy that would strike like an arrow time after time. I fooled them into loving Me, if just for a moment so that I could be their ruler, unbeknownst to them, and bring freedom in from a very cold night.

Have I freed a nation, a people, a population or humankind? Of this I am not certain. All I know is that I came forth with my heart, fighting the impossible ‘Tomorrow War’ with those with whom I shared a common bond. First came one, then two, then so on and on. We shared, then gave light to the darkness and we conquered evil and the dark side of free will. 

As I sit here, knowing this is ending ‘soon’, I feel that I have one gift in me remaining for you: My very best. I have given this to you. All that I know and All that I am I have given to you in this war – this war against darkness. And I am proud; proud of me; proud of us. I have lived the life of the dreaded opposite. And knew no difference. I had no memory, save for that of a derelict. A swapping of sorts which landed the joke squarely on Me. 

When I have nothing left and this is now, I realize I am not empty, but filled with love from my family, from my friends and from you. I sit here now, still with no memory, yet I know everything and everyone that have always been familiar to me. And I offer to you my chastened, broken heart.

This is what I have when I have nothing left. I am Ally. Watch me fly.